Expiration date

The past few weeks have felt like a rollercoaster. Not just because these are really my final few days here, but also because I decided I wanted to try and cross some borders without traveling. Meaning, I have been pushing myself to explore the city that I live in. And frankly it has been scary, confronting, disappointing and rewarding. It has given me a different feeling from when I retuned from the Americas. That naive girl that felt more independent and adventurous seems to have aged a little. I feel significantly small in the world and possibly completely meaningless, but here. I am present.

I used to ridicule myself for going to the same places often, but found out that if you want to be somewhere because the vibes are good, what is stopping you? Having more time om my hands learned me that the only thing that stops you from going to that one new coffee place on your own, or do some project in that art centre or taking some other leap, is you and your own fear of what might be or what people may think. So I went there, I met people, I said yes, I said no. I decided. In a way I am slightly afraid it has also made me more selfish. Or I am confusing selfishness with determination and knowing what it is that you want? Saying that, there have been a lot of moments in which I didn’t know what I wanted. Or I didn't know if I could relate to these new people I met. There are the moments when you realize how much energy a language barrier costs and that being able to speak the same language doesn’t mean that you have anything else in common. But have even been doubts as simple as do I want to enter this room filled with people I don't know. When you are way to self conscious about what you do and those moments where you are wondering what the hell it even is you are doing. Well, welcome to Erasmus.

I did get to know some things. And as it turns out, I can be quite the philosopher. Meeting random people has made me say things such as “routine doesn’t have to be repetitive” and “maybe love is just a luxury item”. These people in turn asked me impossible questions like “what drives you in life”. All with the enjoyment of a beer or two off course. Most importantly, this happened spontaneously and sporadically. There is some beauty in there being an expiration date. Not having someone’s last name or number doesn’t spoil the moment, it might even mystify it. Maybe that is easier to say when you live in a city so small that when you are there for four months you start running into people in the streets. The chances that you run into each other in Ljubljana are significantly bigger than they would be in the capital city of a random country say for instance the Netherlands.

From this moment on there are about two weeks until the beginning of missing this place back in the country I was born. The language will change, the company will change, the beers will change. It is bound to happen but in a way it is sad. Still sadness could be good if you consider there is something good enough to be sad about. Does not really change the feeling though. Time is a bitch.